To be a doubting Thomas is to be human

Well, this I must be super human!

Yesterday I was listening to the Easter message on Revolution Church NYC. Toward the end of the message Jay said, “To be a doubting Thomas, is to be human.” I was very relieved to finally hear someone say those words. I find as more time goes on I feel like I doubt more and more what is told me, at first I thought I was just loosing my faith completely, but now I’m not so sure. I feel if I had lost my faith completly I would stop going to church no matter who called me, I wouldn’t think about things like Heaven, and heck I wouldn’t be looking around for information about homosexuality and the Christian religion.

Last semester in my Lifespan Human Development class we learned about a concept that you can use to judge any part of your life. There is a formal name for it, it is a box and there are four different categories. The general concept is you are most committed to a certain idea once you have thoroughly thought out and processed any idea you cling to. If you have not questioned you idea then you will be easily swayed. As I was sitting in class listening to my professor my heart started beating really quickly for two reasons. First, I knew I hadn’t fully questioned everything that I currently believed in my faith also because I was picking up on Gaydar from her and I wasn’t ready to fess up to those feelings yet.

I am now in the process of thinking about my faith and I no longer believe that we have to follow everything in the Bible. Not that we shouldn’t follow it, but we don’t have to. I believe this for a couple of reasons, most of the books in the NT are addressed specifically different groups of people; Timothy, Ephesians, ect.. I wonder if Timothy followed the things written in Acts. I think it is a good idea to follow those things, but we were not commanded too.

What do you all think?

Lesbian, bisexual.. Lesexual?

I have been corresponding with a lesbian on black hair media for a little while now. I have really been sturggling with this whole issue, I just wish I new exactly. I sent her a rather long winded message of which I am going to post below. What are your thoughts?

***WARNING: Phone sex and masturbation talk follow WARNING***
I feel like I have been getting a lot of conformation, but also I am not sure if i am just forcing the whole lesbian thing and I really am bisexual. The case in point is two or actually three different men I chat with online. At this point in time I dont ever get that excited with them, but just a while back I did. The twist to that though i could never orgasm just talking to them, i would always have to read something usually about a woman to get excited enough, and i have never orgasmed w/phone sex with a guy i have always faked it.

Now, yesterday i was in my car and doing the whole phone thing only he had like a really short trigger and was done supper fast (seemed like 20 seconds) so I was left on my own devices. Remember the post I made about not being able to get off w/the vibrator? Well, I used to not be able to get off w/out any type of media, book, story, video, audio whatever. Well I think for the first time since I was like gosh 14 I did yesterday with no trouble at all, and guess what I was thinking about… a girl! I don’t think i could have orgasmed thinking about a guy i didn’t even try to it was all about this one girl.

Also, I am confused with the feelings i still get around guys like that nervous feeling like i want them to notice me, but then i wonder is that me just really wanting their friendship (i have always loved to have a lot of guy friends) or wanting them romantically, or maybe it’s just me feeling compassion for them which will be essential once i am a nurse. Maybe it’s just b/c i am a flirt w/my guy friends always have and i think i always will be that just how i communicate LOL even w/the gay guy at my work (hes the only one at my work i have told and he told me about a gay club id like to try sometime).

Introductions are in order!

I have decided to start a blog, and I am soo excited! I have read many different blogs and they have inspired and challenged me, so I figured I would give a go at it. I plan to update this journal frequently, and not to hold anything back. This is where my thoughts will go. My joy, my anger and my confusion. I hope by reading this you will learn a little bit about the inner most thoughts of this woman, and perhaps that will inspire you to think as well.

I encourage you to leave comments. If you love what I right, if you hate what I right, if you have questions, heck if you just want to right so that I will go to yours, just leave a comment! My only requirement is that you be respectful. There is a way to disagree respectfully and if I think your comment is disrespectful I will take it down.

Okay! I am a 22 year old black woman. I am bisexual and right now I am struggling to reconcile my inborn sexuality with my acquired religion of Christianity. That is just a little bit about me, and all I have for now. I will be back!